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Mourning Ira

Ever since Ira died, I've been a lot more emotionally needy than I usually am.  I have to say I've been ashamed to be so self-absorbed at a time like this.

When I try to figure out where the feelings are coming from, I can only conclude that she did more to validate me than I realized. She would smile and say hello, sometimes give me a hug, took interest in my poetry. This was all very pleasant and certainly made me think of her as a kind person, but I don't think I actually  knew how much it buoyed me up.

This is what I meant when I said the other  day  iniatethecookie's  journal that she filled gaps in my life I didn't know she was filling.

I went to the vigil for her Thursday night. It was a beautiful experience to be surrounded by so many people that loved and were loved by Ira. I got up and spoke.

I talked about a conversation I had with her about the stock market. She asked me how long I had been in the stock market and I told her I started after I'd gotten my inheritance from my  father. She got this incredible look of deep empathy on her face and felt very sad for me that my father had died, even though it was seven years earlier. I thought it was a good illustration of what an incredibly sensitive person she was.

I talked about how she made everyone she ever talked to feel like the most important person in the world.

People seemed to like my speech, and I saw some smiles. Maybe I cheered somebody up. When I left the speaking area, I felt better than I had all week. Even in death, Ira validated me when I really needed it.  What an incredible person